25. The aforementioned black hole

“There’s a saying about depression.  First you are staring into the black hole, then you become it.”


One day you wake up, later than usual perhaps.  Perhaps more tired.  Even though you are usually not a morning person, on this day it is even harder to shake that feeling that you should stay in bed.If you ponder for a moment (which you probably won’t, I don’t anyway) you might realize that the thought of getting out of bed, getting on with your day, being normal is just too hard.

Your thoughts are like mud.  You try to remember exactly when that business meeting/field trip/phone call is supposed to happen.  And you know the knowledge is there.  Somewhere in your head.  But you can’t access it.  It slips past like cigarette smoke through the trees of your thoughts.

About now you’ve laid in bed as long as you can.  You have to get up.  School.  Work.  Kids.  Something is demanding your time, and the thought of that hollows you out.  It will never end, you think.  There will always be something.  They will always need more than I can provide.  I can’t be this person anymore.

And it won’t just be this one day, not if you are like me or the dozens of other people I know.  It will go on.

Depression is a fatal disease.  And this is what it feels like to start to die.

Please don’t let it get that far.


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