It’s a hard thing to accept sometimes, but occasionally, in the wee hours of the morning, I’m far more afraid of success than I will ever be of failure. I’m not intimidated by my current greatness as much as I am paralyzed by how good I could be if I just fully submerged myself in an idea, and worked it through to completion. I have lots of great ideas, but very little follow-through.
As I reflect on this this morning, I am unsure what it is about myself that makes it so very hard to just get off my ass and work. I’ve run across various theories:
- I am lazy. This seems like the most logical one, as it also points well to how hard it is to make myself go to the gym, clean the house, finish craft projects, return phone calls, pay bills, etc.
- I am a scanner. This also has the effect of explaining most of the above, but allows me the out of having bunches of other people paralyzed by the same overabundant interests. The interesting thing about this one would be finding the focus and time to read the book to figure what I can do about all the interests that remove the focus and time necessary to read the book.
- I have a fear of changing the status quo. Now this one seems pretty likely. I like my life pretty well, for all my bitching, so why would I want to change it? Dreams are nice and all, but what if those dreams don’t give me an increase in happiness? Would I want to know if I’d really maxed out on possible joy in my life?
In the end, this all loops back around into self-indulgent whining, and leaves me sitting on top of about 5,000 words of prose varying from oh-my-god amazing to hey-with-a-little-work-it-could-be-good. And that leaves me with the stark, beautiful realization that I would rather kick myself in the head (and probably strain a hamstring in the process) than let this possibly amazing story never see the light of day. Not if even one person could find beauty, comfort, or power in its themes (yes, I know, money is good too, but I’m still young and idealistic enough to want to change the world).
So today I will try to clean up the first 5k, and maybe figure out how to get where I am going.
Peace, y’all. 😉